I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
