Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
