we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
