I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
