After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
