I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
