o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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