Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize