Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
