girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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