meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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