Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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