FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
