I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
