my mouth tastes like poor choices
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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