my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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