I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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