please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
