Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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