She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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