Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
