So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
