I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
