she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You're a waste of cheezeits
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
