My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
