We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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