ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
