ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
