I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
