I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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