so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
