the day after is always just damage control
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
