Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
