lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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