My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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