I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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