no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
