in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
