So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Randomize
