They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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