My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
