This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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