it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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