where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
