I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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