thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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