Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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