haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
