fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Someone came in the potted fern
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
