My sheets look like a crime scene.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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