I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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