I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
