I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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