Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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