Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
