your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
So squirting runs in the family.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
