i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I lost the right to judge tonight
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
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