omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize