Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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