Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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